Alucard and the colds of Hellsing Manor
by Jigoku Pie
Summary: A cold is going around the Hellsing manor and Alucard just keeps dropping in on everyone! Maybe he should start reading minds before he charges in….
1. Integra

Wassup peeps! Basically been feeling SO ill! So this was my inspiration =D thank you to all the peeps who supported my writing! I dislike the whole naming process as I know I always leave someone out, so thank you if you've commented/faved/followed =)

First cold of Hellsing= Integra, hope you enjoy!

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There were groaning sounds and Alucard stopped dead outside his master's room. More moans and Alucard grinned. Was this the day? Complete, absolute and unconditional humiliation? He heard it, the sound of tissues being ripped from a box and more groans. He'd be dammed if he just stood there and allowed this opportunity to go to waste, and even more dammed if he'd ever let her forget it.

He burst into the room, charging forth, finger at the ready to point and laugh, insane grin reaching from ear to ear…only to turn into a confused scowl.

"Arucard?" His master mumbled. Alucards shoulders slumped, maybe not the humiliation he'd been dreaming of.

He stared at his master, her usual pale delicate nose now sore and bright red, weary eyes behind lopsided silver glasses. Normally well-kept platinum blond hair now stuck up at odd angles like she'd been dragged through a bush. The curtains had been drawn so only a pleasant sunset orange lit the room. She sat cross-legged in the middle of her double bed amidst a sea of tissue papers, a blue blanket wrapped around her and business papers sat in front of her.

"Master." He deadpanned. "You're looking well…"

"Say _anything_." She hissed dangerously. "And I swear I'll…I'll..IACHEW!" She sneezed and Alucard cocked his head to the side. "You'll what?"

She looked at him confused. "Hu?"

"You were about to threaten me."

"Oh…well."" She blew he nose rather loudly and sniffed. "Be imaginative, bake something up for be."

She didn't see the mischievous glint in his eye, instead too preoccupied with keeping the snot from dribbling from her nose.

"Well." He began to walk forwards. "I can think of a few things, _master_." She caught onto his game and glared at him from her position on the bed.

"I would say handcuffs, but chains would probably be better suited." He grinned, still moving towards her. "Hands strapped above my head." He moved onto the bed. "Legs apart." He crawled forwards and she stared deadpan at him. "And of course you, my master." He was inches from her face now. "Punishing me without disgr…"

"ACHEW!"

Alucard stopped dead, slowly coming to terms with the fact that he'd just been sneezed on.

She giggled slightly. "I would say sorry, but you qui'e literally walked into tha' one."

The no life kind winkled his nose and leaned backwards, taking the tissue his master held out to him.

"Thank you." He mumbled.

She smirked. "What was tha' punishbent again? Arms above head? Legs apart? Sneezed on?"

"Yes alright shut up."

Usually the knight would never allow him to order her about, but this was an exception.

She closed her sore eyes and sniffed unattractively.

"Shouldn't you be resting?" Asked Alucard eyeing the business papers in front of her.

She glared at him- or tried her very best- through half closed eyelids, (in actual fact just looking like she was about to doze off). "Doe." She said. "I'm am fine." She re-adjusted the blue blanket and Alucard smirked. "You look like a grandma."

"And you smell like one."

"Hu?"

"I don't kno-ACHEW- know." She sighed. "Leave me alone." Silence. "My head hurts." She grumbled.

He chuckled moving the papers to the side and readjusting her glasses for her. She made a small sound and reached pathetically for them, grabbing like a small child. He gently pushed her back. "The head of Hellsing will not progress if you do not rest and get better."

"Gimmi my papers." She demanded.

"No."

"Gimmi!"

"Make me."

She a short un-lady like laugh. "All righ' then." She sat up grinning. "Arucard, gimmi my papers right…right." She pulled a funny face and both master and slave waited for the sneeze…it didn't come. "Now." She sighed when back to normal.

He laughed. "Orders have to be clear Master."

She frowned, sniffing. "Tha' _was_ clear."

…"My names not _Arucard_."

A pause and her head fell forwards, directly into the no-life king's lap. She stayed there, head on his knee, blond hair splayed out over his lap. "Tired." She breathed.

He grinned, thinking of all the opportunities to tease her that arose from this situation, but decided against it. Instead he gently stroked her hair. "Indeed master. Rest."

He lent back on one arm and continued stroking her hair, maybe it wasn't complete humiliation, but it was still pleasant.

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Things Integra says are purposefully spelt wrong! Hope you liked it! Who gets a cold next though? ;)


	2. Seres

Okay so second cold-cheers for rating CatatonicVanity! =D -cool name to!

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Blood. He could almost feel it pouring down his _own_ throat. A grin adorned his features and he rose steadily to his feet, he liked it when she drank blood. It meant one day she would be a true vampire. Pride rose in him like wildfire at the thought of his own creation, tearing through cities, no, counties. Wreaking havoc as he once had, but she would learn from his mistakes, she would _not_ be caught. No, she would strike fear into the hearts of mortal men with her blood drenched smile, feasting on oceans of crimson and everyone would know her name. Everyone would know, he had created her.

In order to encourage this behaviour Alucard decided to phase into his fledglings room in order to congratulate her. As he materialised in her room, grinning he sensed there was something slightly wrong. This scene looked all too familiar: tissues lining the floor: the air thick with an unpleasant…ill smell: sniffles and groans…oh dear.

He turned to see a small blond vampire sitting on her large coffin bed: holding a hot water bottle to her tummy: blond hair tied into a dishevelled ponytail: teddy bears dancing on bright red pajamas bottoms: a book in front of her and a steaming mug of red liquid held in her delicate hands.

She blinked up at him through half closed eyes and sniffed.

His shoulders slumped, so much for mortal men fearing her. He gave a small whimper of desperation as he saw her fluffy white bunny slippers gazing back at him with poorly sown on crooked smiles.

Why was life mean to him? All he wanted was a fledgling who would do what he said, when he said it, drink blood, become powerful and rule half the world in fear and pain…was that too much to ask for?

Judging by the "Hello Kitty" mug in her hands, yes.

"Master?" She perked up instantly, if she were a puppy she would have been wagging her tail. But she wasn't, she was a vampire, and it was too late to turn back now because she would question him.

"Puppy wouldn't have." He muttered. "Puppy would never question it's master…cos it's a puppy."

"Pardon master?" She replied, sniffing again.

He sighed. "Bet the puppy would have wreaked havoc on the world for me."

He drew himself to his full height. Now was not the time for talking to himself. He glared down at his fledgling.

"Police girl" His voice rang throughout the room. It was a nifty little trick he'd picked up in the courtrooms when he was king. He found if he spoke loud enough his sentence of impaling his victims would echo, he now did it everywhere.

"This wouldn't by any chance be the cold my master had recently would it?" Before she could answer he continued. "Because vampire's immune systems are far beyond that of a human's. I come down here expecting a powerful, fear inducing monster, and instead gaze upon my pathetic…"

"ACHEW."

He stammered. "Pathetic fleg…"

"ACHEW."

"Flegling whom can't even..."

"ACHEW."

"Oh forget it."

She sniffed, blowing her nose. He wrinkled his nose in disdain.

"Sorry master." She said. "'m not feeling to great."

He gave a small nod and sighed. "Yes I can see that." He wondered over to her, placing his hat, glasses and coat onto the back of her chair.

He dusted a small mountain of tissues off the bed and sat, wrapping an arm around his fledgling he pulled her into his lap-carefully so as not to spill her blood.

She smiled and leaned into him.

"What are you reading?" He asked leaning forwards slowly and reading the front cover.

He snorted.

"Master!" She yelped, his body lurching had caused her blood to tip drastically in the cup.

"Bram stoker's Dracula?" She gave a small blush and stared intently into her cup. "Well…yeah."

She then grinned at him. "You're apparently a very very_ very_ serious man."

He gave a small laugh. "Yes, he does portray me as such doesn't he."

Her eyes brightened then. "D'ya wanna read to me?" She sniffed and sneezed.

He steadied her cup for her. "Very well."

She sighed and he settled back against him, then as an afterthought held up her mug. "Want some? I heated it in the microwave, so it's not cold like it usually is."

He gazed into the mug and snorted, he never drank unless out of a wine glass.

"No thank you." He said. She lowered it and took a sip herself.

This time he felt the power that came with it, but this time didn't fantasise about her killing half the world. No, she was fine the way she was, bunny slippers and all. He gazed at her smiling, then caught sight of her hair bobbles with 3D smiling bunny's gawking at him…maybe she could change a little.

One arm wrapped around her, the other holding the book, he began to read.

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-changed rating to T for some of the features in here, as "CatatonicVanity" suggested, so thanks for the concern, read it again and you were right! =D


	3. Walter

"Stupid Bram Stoker." Alucard mumbled. "As if stabbing me in the heart is going to kill me." He snorted, and continued his journey to the kitchen. He'd left his fledgling tucked up and sleeping soundly, except her mug of warm blood had given him a good idea to do the same…this time in a wine glass. He made his way to the downstairs Hellsing kitchen-where the blood was stored- and only Walter was allowed access to.

Opening an ornate looking cupboard the no life king sought for his favourite wine glass. He took it down and stopped dead, staring at it. Using the tip of his thumb he rubbed of a peculiar stain. Why on earth would Walter put it back if it were dirty?

He shrugged, replacing it and taking another one-it had obviously not occurred to the count to actually wash it up- he stared at it. Dirty, he glanced up at the cupboard. "AHH!" He cried leaping back. An array of brown dirty dishes and glasses sat there, piled up at odd angles and threatening to fall out. He quickly flung the cup he had in his hand back at the cupboard, much to his distress there was rustle from within. On closer speculation he even saw…was that a sock? With a shudder he used the tips of his fingers to nudge back the cupboard doors, stepping all to eagerly away.

"What the devil?" He snarled turning, there was no way he would ever drink from a dirty cup, he had been a prince once, drinking from solid gold chalices. Why when they got dirty, they didn't even need to wash it, they could just _buy_ another one!

He decided to go find Walter and whine a bit until he washed a glass for him, or maybe a maid? He chuckled at the thought of making her wash up something from _that_ cupboard, especially what with the mysterious rustling sounds. However due to an unfortunate series of events involving a maid, a dug hole and a carefully placed carpet, Alucard had been banned from "playing" with the staff. (Turns out the hole led to the conference room of the knights of the round table…it was quite a shock).

"Walter? Walter. Waaaalter." He droned, passing through numerous walls, leaving maids, soldiers and a confused (still ill) looking Integra behind him.

"Walt.. ah. There you are. Why are my wine glasses dirty?"

For all Intents and purposes Alucard seemed to be desperately trying to ignore the mess around him. For in front of him sat the aged butler, his feet in a tub of hot water: trousers rolled up to revel hairy-but less hairy that you would have thought they would be- legs: a bright red nose: and steel eyes which seemed to be tearing holes into Alucard.

A few seconds pause…"Well?"

The butler sighed, then sneezed. "Can you not see master Alucard." There was another pause as he took a deep breath though the mouth. "That I am ill?"

Alucard frowned. "Yes, but this only gains sympathy from me when I am not hungry."

Walter glared and sneezed "Well I apologise for the inconvenience."  
"That it fine, now go and wash my wine glass…"

Silence. "Alucard, I am the angel of death."

"And _I _am hungry!" Groaned Alucard.

"Oh for goodness sake. I have _many_ chores to attend to Alucard before I can ACHEW! Even ACHEW! Even start to _think_ about washing your ACHEW!"

"Yes, yes, understood." He sighed. "Very well...how may I help?"

He sniffed. "Well, I _am_ supposed to be managing the soldiers meals…but that includes managing the staff upstairs…"

Before the butler could finish his sentence there was a small "_woosh" _and the vampire was gone. Silence…

"Be a butler-they said. It'll be relaxing-they said" He snorted. "All lies." Then sneezed.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MAGGOT SCUM!"

A trembling, pale maid stood (cowered) before the vampire. "C-c-c-cooking, s-s-sir!"

"COOKING WHAT!"

She began to cry, tears strolling down her face, mouth open wide and wailing.

"AND HOW EXACTLY ARE THE SOLDIERS SUPPOSE TO EAT YOUR TEARS HMMM?"

She ran from the room sobbing and Alucard turned to see quite the same scene. Smartly dressed- all be it frozen in fear and damp from sweat- men and women standing paralysed to the spot.

Alucard sniffed in disdain, acutely aware of his growling stomach. A maid standing close enough to hear his growling stomach also burst into tears and ran from the room.

Alucard sighed. "At this rate I _will_ be feeding them tears." He pointed. "_You_." A young man stood forwards, knees knocking together. "Y-yes sir?"

"Can you cook?"

"N-n-nno sir, I w-w-wash the."

Alucard laughed. "Oh how cute." He walked up to the man, readjusting his bow tie and firmly dusting down his shoulders. "You thought it was negotiable."

He shoved him towards the cooking pot. "It wasn't."

"You, you, and you will assist!" By chance Alucard had managed to pick out two launderettes and a garbage boy.

"Now everybody, look busy." Nobody moved. "Or will I be feeding them your flayed, rotting, carcasses, held together only by a mess of bloody muscle, shattered bone, sinew and the porcelain plate beneath? He all but snarled the last few words and everyone jumped into action-quite literally.

There were occasional moments when Alucard thought it necessary to encourage the workers by letting rip a guttural snarl at any close enough. Other than a few fainters, it was a pretty good tactic.

Alucard grinned. "I have _no _idea why Walter complains so much about this, it's easy_!"_


End file.
